X Weeks and Craving....

There's been a lot of chatter in the BLM community about the newest Facebook breast cancer awareness game.  For those who don't know, this is a game in which women change their status to "X weeks and craving X." To be honest, I wasn't all that upset by the game. I didn't necessarily find it insensitive... just juvenile like the "games" from previous years indicating where you like to put your purse or the color of your bra. None of these games truly raises awareness for breast cancer.  They just seem pointless.

This year's game just confused me. I first encountered the update from my younger cousin, who has a toddler and has been constantly talking about "missing having a little baby." Hers read, "I'm 18 weeks and craving Hershey's Kisses!!!" I just assumed she was again bringing up her desire to be pregnant again with the status update. But then her mother, my aunt, who is past menopause posted something similar, "I'm 13 weeks and craving gummy worms."  My sister-in-law, a fellow BLM, was also confused and asked her what was going on. Then we all got an email about the game. No one receiving the email played the game.

Again, I wasn't really outraged about it. I didn't feel that they were being insensitive to me or to my sister-in-law who lost our baby girls in the second trimester. That said, it did provoke a lot of thought. I spent days afterwards thinking about Lily and thinking about my current pregnancy (not about breast cancer!).

When I lost Lily, I was 20 weeks and craving oranges, strawberries and Yoplait yogurt. Normally, I'm a Dannon yogurt girl, but for some reason, while pregnant with Lily, I only ever wanted to eat Yoplait. Perhaps Lily had the same tastes as her daddy who prefers Yoplait. I loved oranges. Every afternoon around 3 or 4, I would get this strong craving for an orange. And they tasted delicious. I swear they were the best oranges I've ever eaten. Again, that was a result of Lily because the oranges were certainly not in season. Every night, I would have strawberries and whipped cream. We ate a lot of fruit, but strawberries and oranges were the biggest hits.

After Lily died, the cravings stopped almost immediately. I remember eating an orange the day after her birth/death while still in the hospital, and it didn't taste good.

I was 20 weeks when we lost Lily so I just started feeling Lily move. Her flips and kicks were still too weak for her daddy to feel from the outside, so we were anxiously awaiting the day he could feel her. It was so exciting to feel her and I wanted so badly to share that excitement and joy with my husband. Especially because he would poke my belly and tell the baby to wake up in the morning, and she would poke back. But he never got to feel that.

Currently, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with Lily's little brother or sister. And this entire pregnancy I haven't craved anything... in terms of food that is. The first trimester I could barely eat because I felt sick all the time. Even though my appetite returned during the second trimester, I still didn't crave anything really. And now, during the third trimester, I'm on a modified diet because of gestational diabetes so even if I had cravings, I can't really give into them. I think sometimes my lack of an appetite and cravings is due to anxiety.  Most of the time I just can't figure out what I want to eat, even if I'm really hungry.

My only real cravings this pregnancy are the following:

To just make it another week further in this pregnancy.  This craving and the next have been the only constants this entire pregnancy.

To hear a heart beat every week at our doctor's appointment.

Now that the baby is moving, to feel him/her squirm every day.  And some days it's the only thing I want, especially if the baby isn't particularly active that day.  I've come up with all sorts of ways to get the baby to move to make mommy feel better.  

To make it to the scheduled procedure to remove the cerclage, so I no longer have to worry about going into labor and possibly tearing my cervix.

To hear my baby cry.  I swear that'll be music to my ears.

To hear the doctor say "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" after delivery rather than "the baby has no heartbeat" and the silence that follows those words.

To snuggle a warm, live baby.

To bring my baby home and to watch him/her grow up!

These are my cravings right now. No cravings for candy, just cravings for another life to come into and stay in mine.

I guess after re-reading this entire post, the "breast cancer awareness" game did affect me... just not in the way the people who designed the game wanted me to be affected.