Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl

Today's Lily's second birthday. It's hard to believe two years have gone by already. It seems like so much has happened since then and that day was so long ago... yet, it also seems like it just happened.

The weather today was exactly as it was the day Lily was born. It was in the 50s and partly sunny. There were big, puffy clouds that were a mixture of gray and white. Then there were bursts of sunshine that would warm the air just slightly, but it was still too chilly to go without a jacket. I found myself looking at the sky a lot today because it was so similar to May 9, 2010.

Her birthday this year feels harder than last year's. I think because I knew last year would be difficult. I was prepared for it. We planned around the inevitable sadness. And people came out of the woodwork to support us. To help us through the first anniversary of losing our little baby girl.

This year I felt blindsided by the sadness. I was shocked at the bouts of sobbing that would physically hurt. I just felt too exhausted to do anything. And it felt lonely.

The day wasn't completely sad. Lily's baby brother Dexter brought smiles. He also must have known Mommy needed extra hugs because the normally squirmy little boy stayed to cuddle with me this morning. After a late morning nap, he babbled and babbled. Although we have had balloons for Lily's birthday in our living room since Saturday, today was the first day since we got them that he's paid attention to them. When he'd see me in the kitchen he'd start crawling towards me while still holding onto them. I'm hoping she was with him today in some way too. Maybe in his dreams they got to play together.

My husband and I had a special dinner after Dexter went to bed. Then we ate cupcakes - the same kind we had last year for her birthday from the same bakery that did our wedding cake. And then we released three of the balloons - one purple heart and two white balloons - with a happy birthday message.

Happy Birthday to my sweet Lily.  Mommy loves you and misses you very much.

In Another Life...

The other day a song by Katy Perry came on the radio- "The One That Got Away." This song is about high school sweethearts who don't make it, but for some reason when I listened to it, all I thought of was Lily. And these verses hit home to me:

Never planned that one day

I'd be losing you....

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises 

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

I've been really down lately. I've been wanting another life.  A life where I don't have to answer questions like: "Is Dexter your first?" or "So now that pregnancy went fine, so when are you going to have another?" One where I don't continually ask myself questions to which there are no answers like: "What was the point of getting pregnant with Lily?" or "Why didn't I know how to save her?" or "Why did that woman's baby girl live and mine didn't?" or "Why aren't you feeling better about this yet?"

One where I'm not a bereaved parent. My normal is just normal not the "new normal." One where I don't have to feel guilty if I don't say I was pregnant once before. One where I can say I have another baby at home. My little girl. I didn't lose her. She's still with me.  One where I don't have to wonder if I'll have another daughter, or fear that Lily was my only chance at raising a girl.

A life where I don't have to remind myself not to be disappointed when people don't remember Lily's birthday this year. Or don't donate as much in her memory or join us for the March for Babies event this year. 

One where I don't have to live in constant fear that Dexter's going to die on me too.

I just want it all to be different. Not entirely different though. I want aspects of my current life. My husband can stay of course. I wouldn't trade in Dexter. I'd take a different job. I'd be happy with a different car or house. But really I just want one big thing.

I want Lily. Living and breathing and here with me and my boys.

I want a life where Lily's an active 22 month old girl and Dexter's his curious 4 1/2 month old self. And I'm filling up albums on Facebook of my two beautiful kids and posting about how crazy life is with two little ones.   In another life, maybe it could have been that way.

Here We Are Again

Two weeks ago, I had a great day. It was the kind of day I haven't had since before Lily died. I was happy.  All day. I wasn't stressed out. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was just happy. About everything and everyone. I even thought about Lily and didn't feel sad or cry. It was a good day.

So yesterday came as a shock to me. I woke up and didn't want to go to work, but did anyway. On the way there, it dawned on me that it's almost been a year since we found out about Dexter. A year ago today actually I got the positive pregnancy test. The day after the Packers won the Superbowl.

Then I realized it's been two years since we found out about Lily.  In a few days it'll be two years since our first ultrasound confirmed her existence. Two years since I found out about my abnormal uterus that would take her from us too soon. Two years...

And for some reason I haven't been able to stop crying. It's not even her birthday. It's not an anniversary of any sort really. So who knew I'd be back here again? Who knew I'd be crying this hard again? It's supposed to get better. Why, after so many steps forward, does one step back send me so far back it seems no progress was made.

Yesterday I was ready to move.  I had that feeling so many times after Lily died.  Just move. To Hawaii actually. Just pack up my husband and Dexter and go. I'd wait tables. That'd be okay if it meant I could escape this life. Escape the reality of being a bereaved parent. Just go somewhere where no one knows and I don't have to tell them.

Of course, you can't out travel grief. The sadness would follow. And how could I not tell people about Lily? Still, wouldn't it be wonderful to just live without the sadness for a while?

I'm assured by many that I will be happy again. Many people in the world who've experienced horrible tragedy go on to lead happy lives. I just have to be more patient...

I'll always wonder...

The other night while I was holding Lily's little brother, Dexter, I was studying his little face. He has his daddy's dimples. He has big blue eyes (for now at least!). His hair is blonde like his daddy's too, but in some lights looks red like his grandpa's. Then there's his nose. A cute little button nose. A nose like his big sister's.

I pulled out Lily's pictures to be sure. Yep. They have the same nose. What other similar features would they have? Would you have been able to tell they're siblings?

I'll always wonder what Lily would have looked like at one month old. At six months. At one year old. Five, ten, sixteen, eighteen...and so on. I'll always wonder what color her eyes would be. They were still fused shut so we never got to see them open. I'll always wonder if she got her daddy's dimples ... my greatest hope was that she would get that cute smile from her dad. And I wanted her to get Grandpa's red hair. Would she have been tall? Would she have big feet like me?

I'll never know and I'll always want to.