Last year on Mother's Day, I was lying in a hospital bed begging my baby to hang on. I didn't want her to be born on Mother's Day... knowing she wouldn't be born alive. I didn't want her death associated with Mother's Day forever.
Today was rough. I expected it to be sad. I didn't expect crying for hours this morning. I was having panic attacks similar to ones I had immediately after Lily's death. I sobbed, could barely breathe, and couldn't stand. It physically hurt. These waves of overwhelming sadness continued the entire day. I didn't get out of my pajamas until after 7pm.
My husband has final exams this week, and, in fact, had an exam at 7:45am this morning. So I didn't expect that he would do anything special for today. It was still hard to not do anything. I felt disappointed. I made myself breakfast. I bought myself a nice dinner. I watched whatever I wanted to on television. I hid out from the rest of the world. It was a very lonely day.
Then again, I don't know if I'm worthy of any big celebration. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that I am a mother. I don't have any children at home. I gave birth to a child that didn't live outside of me. She was only with me for five months. But I did go through labor. I held my baby. I have pictures of her. She happened. I remember practically every moment of it. But do I deserve a day to celebrate my motherhood? I feel like I failed at the motherhood part...
Oh Rebecca-I know how you feel. I did not get out of my pajama's all day and hid from the rest of the world as well. Cora and Gabriel's birthday does not fall on any holiday's which I am thankful for because I know it would make it so much harder. Please take care of yourself during these tough days-you deserve it. Also please do not doubt that you are a mother. You are a mother with the hardest job-being a mom to an angel. You did everything you could for Lily during the time you had her and should be celebrated for that. What happened to Lily was not your fault. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with this too and some times I blame myself for losing my babies but that thought only drives me crazy. Reach out to those who care about you for reassurance when you are doubting yourself. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM AND ALWAYS WILL BE! Please let me know if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother, your precious Lily will always be your child. It's hard to get the rest of the world to see that. It is very hard to mother a child no longer here (physically) but they are here, in our hearts and that will never change.
ReplyDeleteI hope that having support will help you through the hardest times, and reassure you that your feelings are normal and justified.
Hugs to you, Mommy!!!!
I am sorry that yesterday was so difficult. Of course you deserve to be celebrated as a mother and I agree with Emmy that it IS more difficult being a parent to an angel. I, on the other hand, do have a living child but Mother's Day still sucked because even though he brings me more joy than I can even put into words it will never, ever be enough to fill the hole in my heart left behind where my other children's memory will always remain. I fear that Mother's day will never be the same joyful even that it was for me prior to Mikayla. =( You ARE a mother, one that loves her daughter very much and by keeping her memory alive you are showing that you are a wonderful mother. Hugs to you and today on Lily's birthday.
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