After Lily's death, my husband and I decided to have her cremated. We'd never really thought about death before. We were not sure what we wanted done with our bodies after our deaths! We didn't have plots in a cemetery and I wasn't certain I wanted to pick something out for Lily especially if we were to move at some point. Mainly though, I didn't want her to be alone.
So we had her cremated. People told us we could spread her ashes somewhere special. Perhaps the park where we got married? But really, I didn't want to do that. I wasn't ready for her to be anywhere but with me. I'm still not.
Her urn has occupied a spot on our nightstand ever since. She's cradled by a bear the hospital gave us and her baby blanket is nearby (that is when the blanket's not cuddled up with us while we're sleeping).
Her cremains were originally in this horrible plastic box the funeral home supplied. The funeral home told us that they would give us a temporary plastic urn. What we actually received was an awful plastic box with a sticker on it with her name. It resembled a box used for holding evidence in a crime rather than an urn for a sweet baby gone too soon. Eventually, after months of trying to find the "perfect" urn for Lily, my dad and stepmom gave us one we could use "temporarily" until we found something we liked. It is a small box that is adorned with a cross and the quote "Those we have held in our arms awhile, we'll hold in our hearts forever." We decided we would use it permanently.
When we leave our house - even for a night - I always feel the need to either bring her urn with us or keep it in the fireproof safe. It seems strange locking her in a safe, but I would feel worse if the house burned down and we lost her again. This also goes for tornadoes. Whenever there's severe weather I tell my husband "we have to make sure to grab Lily before heading to the basement."
Well, last night we had severe weather (today the weather service confirmed it was a tornado). Suddenly it started raining and the wind was incredibly strong. We looked out the window to see the trees bending in ways they shouldn't and rain coming down in circles. My husband, who normally goes outside in severe weather to "check it out," even agreed we should go to the basement. Within a few seconds the tornado sirens went off. Without words we both ran upstairs first - I grabbed Lily and her bear and my husband grabbed her baby blanket. On our way down to the basement I also picked up her memory box.
Settling into the basement, I went to set her things down and my hands were very full. Lily's urn slipped and fell onto the cement floor. The edges of her box chipped off. The chipped corners cannot be fixed. The pieces shattered so not even glue will help.
I felt awful.
I always feel I "can't keep anything nice." New clothes get stained or torn; shoes get scuffed too quickly; straps of purses always break on me; books get dirty; my cell phone gets scratched; iPod gets dropped; you name it, I seem to ruin it quickly. But I've always been so careful with anything associated with Lily. I want all of it to be perfect. Despite that, I still managed to ruin something of hers. And not just anything... her urn. Her final resting place.
I'm so mad at myself.
My husband had gone back upstairs for the radio so I had to tell him I dropped the urn when he came back. I started crying and he told me it was okay and wasn't that bad. The bear covers the badly chipped corners when he cradles the urn. I guess you can't really tell. But I know they're there. Of course, the couple of chipped corners it has now are better than it being completely smashed in a tornado.
But still, I'm sad it's ruined. I'm angry with myself for not taking better care of her! There's so little we have of her. I wanted it all to stay perfect.
oh, Rebecca. these things happen. I have a few of River's things that show "signs of wear and tear"... was I mad at the time, heck yes! I have learned to think of these marks as visually showing their time with us.
ReplyDeleteI have a picture frame that I chipped the corner of. There is a cross that was given to us after he passed, and Asher got a hold of it, needless to say the cross is in 2 pieces now. All 3 of River's goldfish died since he passed away (this day was awful!). Just last week, we almost covered up his Easter Lily in the garden with mulch, I was devastated I forgot it was there.
The point of this is that you can't be mad at yourself. We are their mothers, but we certainly cannot prevent accidents. Boy, wouldn't that be a special power!? :)
I am sorry this happened, and I am thinknig of you. ((hugs))
Rebecca, you are not the only one who feels as you do. I made Jon go back upstairs to get Oscar Bear, Bella Bear and Tittle Stone to bring down to the basement with us. I can't imagine how I would feel if one of those was slightly damaged. I guess the optimistic side of me thinks that eventually I would hopefully come to see those in a positive light. Instead of putting a band-aid on a scraped knee, perhaps you get to try to mend her urn??? I know you're upset with yourself right now about what happened, and you have every right to-you should have been grabbing her out of bed to bring to the basement, not grabbing a box. As with everything else on this journey of grief, you get slapped in the face by something and you have to learn how to accept it and incorporate it into your new life.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. Like the others said, we are often too hard on ourselves--why do we do that to ourselves? We need to find an urn for Maddie. She is still in her original "container," the only saving grace is that she's in a pretty magenta bag, also. It seems like it takes us so long to make decisions and move on with things since Maddie. Sending big hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how the few things we CAN do for our angel children have to be just perfect. And if they're not, it feels as if the world is crumbling down. Remember that what she feels most is your love, not the material things that we do on earth for her. In the end, love is all that remains and that hasn't changed.
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