What could have been...

I haven't been able to write a post lately. I started a few drafts, but haven't been able to finish them.

It's not that I've been too busy. Quite the contrary, I'm currently on bed rest for my subsequent pregnancy. I'm 31 weeks today thanks to a cerclage placed at 12 weeks and bed rest since 24 weeks. I thought I'd be able to catch up with blogging because of my situation, but I have been having a hard time thinking about Lily.

I should correct that.  It's not so much thinking about her as it is thinking about the circumstances of her death. At 24 weeks in this pregnancy, my cervix started to shorten and there was funneling. Since then we continue to see the same changes that were present in the weeks leading up to Lily's birth/death. Only this time, we've been able to keep our baby safe. We may actually bring this one home.

And as exciting as that is, it breaks my heart at the same time. It seems like this was a simple fix. Tie that baby in there and lay down for a while. Is that all we needed to do?

The worst part though is the guilt I still feel for Lily's premature delivery. I'm so careful now. I pay attention to every pain or stretch I feel. I haven't exercised since I found out about this little one. We haven't taken any trips or vacations. I've missed family birthday parties, showers, reunions, and my grandma's 90th birthday celebration. I take every precaution I can.

I didn't do that with Lily. Three days before she was born I walked all over the capitol square going to different events for work and the bar association. The pains I felt the day before she was born, I attributed to constipation and gas pains, even when they came regularly. When I finally thought about Braxton Hicks contractions, and looked them up to see if that's what was happening, it didn't seem to fit. It just didn't seem possible that I would go into labor at that stage. I ignored it and went to a movie with my mom and sister.

Now whenever my uterus tightens at all, I'm ready to call the doctor and be seen. Outside of my weekly appointments, I go into the doctor's office for a lot of "it's nothing" situations. Luckily, my doctor has been very supportive and willingly checks into any anxiety driven calls by giving me extra appointments.

I'm so proactive in my pregnancy care now. My doctor jokes that being a ob/gyn is my hobby now.

But I wasn't like that with Lily. I wonder what it would be like if I had been. I wish I would have been. What'd if I had pushed for a cerclage at 18 weeks? What if I'd called the doctor the moment I started feeling uncomfortable? Would they have been able to stop the labor? Would we have been able to hang onto her to the point of viability?  Even longer? Would she be here in the fall to welcome home her sibling?

I just feel like I was so stupid while pregnant with Lily. I sometimes feel like I didn't take it seriously enough. And she suffered for it.

I wish I would have known.