Losing Commander

My husband and I used to dream about our family freely and openly. We never hesitated to discuss our future children - who they'd be; what they'd do; how they'd change our world, etc.

Years before we got married we even came up with names - nicknames of course - for our children. My husband was dead set on naming our first son "Commander." Commander Markert would be a fine name. If we had twin boys it would be Commander and Conquerer! We'd spend hours laughing and joking about Commander. In our fictional future Commander was perfect. He came into the world without any problems at all. Eventually "Commander" became a euphemism for any future child we would have - boy or girl.

Those were the carefree days - when we could plan for our future children without fear. Despite only giving one name to represent all of our little ones, we had no doubt we would conceive and bring many children into the world. It seemed so simple. Get pregnant and have a baby. How hard is that?

But, of course, that's not what happened. It's all different now. We no longer speak about "Commander." When we talk about our kids, we only talk about Lily. Strange enough, the content of the discussions about Lily are the same as our fictional children. Who would she have been? What would she do in this world? Who would she resemble? Would she like the color pink? Would she play t-ball with Daddy? Would she love the Packers? Would she be a Democrat or a Republican? (That discussion always ends with "she'd probably hate politics" especially because of our divided household.)

It seems that the days of "Commander" are over. The days of carefree dreaming about our kids have ended. It seems to hard to make those plans these days. We don't talk about "when" we have a baby. It's always "if." We don't discuss who that child will be; what that child will do; or how that child will change our world. We no longer assume there will be more than one. After the death of a baby - especially your first - it's no longer a forgone conclusion that you will have a child - much less the baker's dozen my husband always insisted on.

To make it through another pregnancy, I think we both have to (and want to) be more guarded with our feelings. We can't let ourselves dream about this next child. What if that is all our future children are - just dreams? We can't build up "Commander" only to be let down again.