"Be more positive" is commonly told to me these days. In emails, calls, and face-to-face conversations, everyone is encouraging me to focus on the good things in my life. "You have a great husband." They remind me of my opportunity for a fresh start. "It's a new year, a new beginning, so focus on the positive."
Don't they realize I would if I could? I don't want to be this person I've become recently. I don't want to be bitter and angry. I don't want to wake up sad. I don't want to feel intensely jealous of pregnant women. I don't want my immediate reaction to someone telling me they're expecting to be tears. I don't want my heart to sink every time someone gushes about their child. I don't want to think "blah" when a parent expresses their joy about parenting.
I don't want to be a woman whose baby died.
I don't want to worry that Lily could have been my only chance at having a daughter. I don't want to fear she could be my only shot at having a child.
I don't want to feel this way. Not at all.
I'd much rather feel excitement for the future. I'd rather feel joy in seeing babies and small children. I'd rather laugh with them. I'd much rather be the girl who is having everything fall perfectly into place. More importantly, even if it was not, I'd like to be able to feel optimistic for the future. I'd like to have the ability to hope for the best.
But I can't. Not right now.
I have no control over my emotions these days. I can have a good day quashed by a simple memory of Lily's death. I can be walking happily along and stop dead in my tracks when I overhear a child say "Mommy." A joyful look through Lily's pictures can turn into a flood of tears in an instant when I suddenly remember I never looked at her back. Panic can set in when a fun discussion with other BLMs about our children reveals I didn't memorize every detail of her (even though I tried!) and can't remember every moment of my pregnancy with her.
I can't make myself focus on the positive. It's exhausting enough to get through the day. "It's only been 8 months!" I want to scream. In the aftermath of this trauma and loss, I think I've earned the right to feel a tad negative. Not forever. Just for now at least.
Rebecca, first: welcome to the blog world! Second: I remember this rock from when we were there in October, and will remember Lily forever. Third: You are not alone, it's been 2 years and I still have these feelings. I don't believe it will ever go away, just become less and maybe easier to accept. I hope that you find peace knowing your sweet Lily lives in our hearts!
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