Why?????

One of my best friends is a fellow BLM. She lost her first child at 16 weeks.  A boy named Alexander. She miscarried after that.  A blighted ovum. She gave birth prematurely to a beautiful little boy, Christopher, in December 2009. Unfortunately, he was born with a lot of problems. He died in February 2010.

Now, after months of trying, she found out she was pregnant this February. Given her history, she was seeing the doctors almost every week since and had multiple ultrasounds. Last week, they saw a heartbeat! She was elated. But the heartbeat wasn't as strong as it should have been so they wanted to see her again this week. Today, she got the worst news ever. There's no heartbeat. The baby's gone.

It makes me so mad. She's a beautiful person who'd be a fabulous mother. I just don't understand why this would keep happening. What makes her unworthy?

I'm so upset. I'm hoping Lily's giving big hugs to Christopher tonight.

I want to hold my baby

After Lily's death I read a lot of books about pregnancy and infant loss. A common feeling described in those books was one of "aching arms."  Moms ache to hold their baby. I never felt that way. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's because Lily was so small that I couldn't really cradle her in my arms. She pretty much fit in the palm of my hand. I remember holding her there.  I remember the weight of her body in my hand. If she wasn't in my hands, I had her wrapped in her blanket on my knees. Maybe that's why I never had this ache to hold her. I thought it was just something I would never feel.

Until today. This morning I woke up with a strong desire to hold Lily. To snuggle her into my chest. I wanted to cradle her in my arms and rock her to sleep.

It is just unfair. My only option is to hold her urn. I just want her back.