Sophie's Choice

After Lily died, I got an e-mail from a friend from high school.  She was sorry to hear what happened and wanted me to know she experienced pregnancy loss too. She told me she miscarried her first pregnancy - in the first trimester - and then got pregnant shortly thereafter. That subsequent pregnancy was successful and she told me that she wouldn't have that daughter now, if she hadn't lost the first. She just couldn't imagine her life without her daughter, so in the end, it worked out for the best. That would happen for me too, she said.

After I got pregnant again this year, I heard more stories similar to that and many comments were made about how I "wouldn't be pregnant now if Lily had lived."

Those comments and stories bother me. They hurt me. I know people aren't trying to make me feel bad by sharing those stories or saying those things. Nevertheless, I'd rather they not say that. I wish they would understand this: I don't want to feel grateful I lost Lily because now I have this new baby. I don't see Lily's death as an "everything happens for a reason" situation. I don't want it to be an "if X, then not Y" situation. I don't want to make that morbid sort of "Sophie's choice" between my children. I want them both.

My husband and I were very thoughtful and careful about our decision to conceive again after losing Lily. Aside from the medical reasons for waiting (I needed surgery to remove the septum in my uterus), we wanted to be sure we were ready emotionally for another pregnancy. We didn't want the second baby to be seen or thought of as a "replacement" baby.

When people tell me that I wouldn't be pregnant now if Lily had lived, I tell them that's not true! If Lily had survived last May, we could still be expecting this fall. Even if she was born at term in September 2010, we still could have conceived again in January 2011. It's possible I would have two living children this fall. More importantly, it's the way I would have wanted it!

My husband and I always wanted a lot of kids. To him that means "a baker's dozen."  To me, it means three... maybe four. Given my age, we always knew our kids would be close in age. I've long since prepared myself that we may at some point have several kids under the age of five.  And we're both okay with that.  And want that.

I don't want to think Lily had to die for this new baby to be in our lives. Our plans had this new baby here anyway - with or without his/her big sister on earth. I don't want it to have to be one or the other.

It could have been - and should have been - both.