Another Christmas without Lily

We're in the midst of another holiday season without our daughter.  For some reason I thought it'd be easier, but I'm finding some days it is and some days it isn't.

Last year the holidays were unbearable. I wanted to skip Thanksgiving and the entire month of December and go straight to January. And January's my least favorite month of the year! Normally, I decorate the house on December 1st; but last year, I didn't decorate at all. We decided late in the season to get a tree but agreed it had to be an ugly one. We half-heartedly decorated it.

The only reason I wanted a tree was so that we could get ornaments for Lily. But even that was hard. I couldn't go shopping for them because all I could see was "Baby's First Christmas" everywhere. You have no idea how many ways people commemorate "Baby's First Christmas" until you lose a baby. Those items were all I could see when I went to the mall or department stores. So I couldn't buy an ornament, because I couldn't shop for one without crying my eyes out.

I admired all of my friends in our local support group who could find the positive and honor their babies in different, uplifting ways during December. I just couldn't do it. I was exhausted from grief and really just plain sad. I didn't really want to do anything but hide away until it was all over.

This year, we have Lily's little brother, Dexter. I really want to make his first Christmas special, even if he's too young to remember and completely unaware of the season. I thought with a new baby - to buy all those "Baby's First Christmas" memorabilia for - the holiday season would be better. Easier. To a certain extent that's true, but every now and then it hits me. Lily would be 19 months old tomorrow, December 9. This Christmas, she could open her presents from Santa. She could get some candy in her stocking. This Christmas was supposed to be awesome. It would have been even more special because we would be spending it with her new little brother.  I'd have two little ones to prop up on Santa's lap.

So this year, I decided to do more for Lily. Because we didn't "get in the spirit" last year, I didn't get a stocking for Lily.  Not a real one anyway. I just got a cheap 99 cent one from Walgreen's that is barely bigger than my hand. This year, I decided to go early and find stockings for our whole family. I was happy to find them and a box in which to store Lily's ornaments from this year and last. I checked out ornaments for her and for Dexter. While I was shopping, I felt happy and sad all at once. Happy I was finally getting her a real stocking and solidifying her place in our family; but at the same time sad because she wasn't with me picking out her stocking, picking out an ornament and looking at the toys in the adjacent aisles. After checking out and answering all the cashier's questions about Dexter ("is this your first?" of course...), I went to my car and broke down.

I didn't realize it would be this hard again.

Our local support group has an annual Holiday Remembrance Service to remember all of our babies. Last year's service was a blur. I only remember sitting in a pew crying and crying and then getting a cookie afterwards before leaving quickly. This year I thought it'd be better. It was... until a song, "The Water Lily" was played. It's a song about a young mother dreaming about her dead child. I started crying so hard I was nervous I'd start blubbering. And while last year I brought tissues, and people handed me more, this year I didn't bring any. I guess I didn't think I would need them. My favorite part of the service this year was the gift the group's facilitators gave us. It's a keepsake ornament that says "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." It's a perfect addition to Lily's ornament collection.

Today, Dexter and I had a "Lily Day." My husband and I decided to participate in the "Adopt an Angel" program that the Salvation Army runs in conjunction with JC Penney. I "adopted" an 18 month old little girl. I had a blast shopping for her. She needed clothes and a coat, but also wanted toys. I got her everything on her list. Anytime the thought "this is too expensive" came into my mind, I countered it with "If Lily were here, would you buy it?" The answer was always yes. So I bought it all.  Today, Dexter and I dropped the items off at the Salvation Army. It felt really good. I left wishing I could see that little girl open up the gifts and see her new toys.

Once we got back into the car and started driving away, I turned on the radio and "Butterfly Kisses" was playing. Not even kidding. I started crying so hard I had to pull over. It just felt like Lily was saying thank you.  Again, happy and sad at the same time.

Then Dexter and I headed over to the hospital where both Lily and Dexter were born. The hospital has a "Love Lights" tradition whereby friends of the hospital can purchase a light or string of lights for the hospital's holiday trees in memory of a loved one. My husband and I purchased one for Lily and today was the big lighting ceremony. The proceeds from the lights benefited the hospital's new birthing center and NICU

So, this weekend, we'll start getting the house ready for the holidays. We're picking out our tree. I'll decorate. Maybe we'll bake some cookies. And I'll try to figure out how to handle all the crazy Christmas celebrations with various family members who are anxious to celebrate Dexter's first Christmas. And I hope some remember that while we're happy to show Dexter everything about this season, someone is still missing. And it still hurts.

Happy Holidays baby girl. We miss you more than ever.