Here We Are Again

Two weeks ago, I had a great day. It was the kind of day I haven't had since before Lily died. I was happy.  All day. I wasn't stressed out. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was just happy. About everything and everyone. I even thought about Lily and didn't feel sad or cry. It was a good day.

So yesterday came as a shock to me. I woke up and didn't want to go to work, but did anyway. On the way there, it dawned on me that it's almost been a year since we found out about Dexter. A year ago today actually I got the positive pregnancy test. The day after the Packers won the Superbowl.

Then I realized it's been two years since we found out about Lily.  In a few days it'll be two years since our first ultrasound confirmed her existence. Two years since I found out about my abnormal uterus that would take her from us too soon. Two years...

And for some reason I haven't been able to stop crying. It's not even her birthday. It's not an anniversary of any sort really. So who knew I'd be back here again? Who knew I'd be crying this hard again? It's supposed to get better. Why, after so many steps forward, does one step back send me so far back it seems no progress was made.

Yesterday I was ready to move.  I had that feeling so many times after Lily died.  Just move. To Hawaii actually. Just pack up my husband and Dexter and go. I'd wait tables. That'd be okay if it meant I could escape this life. Escape the reality of being a bereaved parent. Just go somewhere where no one knows and I don't have to tell them.

Of course, you can't out travel grief. The sadness would follow. And how could I not tell people about Lily? Still, wouldn't it be wonderful to just live without the sadness for a while?

I'm assured by many that I will be happy again. Many people in the world who've experienced horrible tragedy go on to lead happy lives. I just have to be more patient...