In Another Life...

The other day a song by Katy Perry came on the radio- "The One That Got Away." This song is about high school sweethearts who don't make it, but for some reason when I listened to it, all I thought of was Lily. And these verses hit home to me:

Never planned that one day

I'd be losing you....

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises 

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

I've been really down lately. I've been wanting another life.  A life where I don't have to answer questions like: "Is Dexter your first?" or "So now that pregnancy went fine, so when are you going to have another?" One where I don't continually ask myself questions to which there are no answers like: "What was the point of getting pregnant with Lily?" or "Why didn't I know how to save her?" or "Why did that woman's baby girl live and mine didn't?" or "Why aren't you feeling better about this yet?"

One where I'm not a bereaved parent. My normal is just normal not the "new normal." One where I don't have to feel guilty if I don't say I was pregnant once before. One where I can say I have another baby at home. My little girl. I didn't lose her. She's still with me.  One where I don't have to wonder if I'll have another daughter, or fear that Lily was my only chance at raising a girl.

A life where I don't have to remind myself not to be disappointed when people don't remember Lily's birthday this year. Or don't donate as much in her memory or join us for the March for Babies event this year. 

One where I don't have to live in constant fear that Dexter's going to die on me too.

I just want it all to be different. Not entirely different though. I want aspects of my current life. My husband can stay of course. I wouldn't trade in Dexter. I'd take a different job. I'd be happy with a different car or house. But really I just want one big thing.

I want Lily. Living and breathing and here with me and my boys.

I want a life where Lily's an active 22 month old girl and Dexter's his curious 4 1/2 month old self. And I'm filling up albums on Facebook of my two beautiful kids and posting about how crazy life is with two little ones.   In another life, maybe it could have been that way.