The weather today was exactly as it was the day Lily was born. It was in the 50s and partly sunny. There were big, puffy clouds that were a mixture of gray and white. Then there were bursts of sunshine that would warm the air just slightly, but it was still too chilly to go without a jacket. I found myself looking at the sky a lot today because it was so similar to May 9, 2010.
Her birthday this year feels harder than last year's. I think because I knew last year would be difficult. I was prepared for it. We planned around the inevitable sadness. And people came out of the woodwork to support us. To help us through the first anniversary of losing our little baby girl.
This year I felt blindsided by the sadness. I was shocked at the bouts of sobbing that would physically hurt. I just felt too exhausted to do anything. And it felt lonely.
The day wasn't completely sad. Lily's baby brother Dexter brought smiles. He also must have known Mommy needed extra hugs because the normally squirmy little boy stayed to cuddle with me this morning. After a late morning nap, he babbled and babbled. Although we have had balloons for Lily's birthday in our living room since Saturday, today was the first day since we got them that he's paid attention to them. When he'd see me in the kitchen he'd start crawling towards me while still holding onto them. I'm hoping she was with him today in some way too. Maybe in his dreams they got to play together.
My husband and I had a special dinner after Dexter went to bed. Then we ate cupcakes - the same kind we had last year for her birthday from the same bakery that did our wedding cake. And then we released three of the balloons - one purple heart and two white balloons - with a happy birthday message.
Happy Birthday to my sweet Lily. Mommy loves you and misses you very much.